his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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