If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dicks are not precious.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
