it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There's always time for handjobs
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
