haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
