margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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