She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
