Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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