instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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