You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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