You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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