I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
