Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
