That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
