i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
