my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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