This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I wish you could order shots online.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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