VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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