I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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