the condom got lost in my hair
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize