Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
