If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
