The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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