I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
