I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
