I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
