I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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