Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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