Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
