I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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