ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish i was in the wii world.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
