Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
