you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Randomize
