If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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