I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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