she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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