Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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