WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
