What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
