I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
