Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
