i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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