why didn't you poke me back
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
