my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
