I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
