Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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