i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
