I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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