my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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