So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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