Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
