I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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