Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
