after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
