Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
