Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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