and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
