i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
