Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
