'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My feet surprised me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
