I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
